Not Okay

My daughter Danielle’s eyes were closed, but I knew she was awake. Tears rolled from the corner of her eyes as she lay on her back. Soon she started sniffing. Four days after her first chemo treatment she felt awful. Her excitement from feeling so good the first two days quickly vanished by day three. Neither of us knew when the unpleasant side effects would pass.

I knew my daughter didn’t need me to be a cheerleader at that time and tell her everything would be okay because neither of us knew the outcome of her journey, one that would encompass the next year and a half of her life.

“I don’t like this,” she whispered.

I swallowed back my own tears. My strong, vivacious daughter I’d grown to admire now lay on her back trying not to throw up. “Neither do I.” I stroked her wet cheek. “It’s okay not to be okay.”

She nodded.

I waited for her to say more, but eventually her tears slowed and her breathing became steady again. Her ordeal with breast cancer would be filled with “not okay” days. We would both face countless days filled with tears ahead. As caregivers, we’re not called to fix everything. Sometimes, we just need to listen and understand that being okay is not the goal.